Parenting for Prevention: Communication
PART 1: Parenting Styles
PART 2: Communication
PART 3: Lessons from School
PART 4: Discipline
PART 5: Normal Development
PART 6: Substance Use and Abuse
PART 7: Identifying the Problem
PART 8: Getting Professional Help
Teaching your children to communicate effectively is essential to their future relationships and successful career. The main way children learn to communicate is through role modeling from their parents. After parents have looked at their parenting styles and made adjustments when necessary, effective communication techniques are logical and easily implemented. The main component in good communication is good listening. Children may tell their parents about what’s important in their lives in interesting and confusing ways. Remember that when communicating with a child that no person, young or old, responds well to ridicule, humiliation name-calling, or sarcasm. It is in the best interest of the parent, in order to facilitate cooperation and respect, to follow the basic guidelines listed below:
- Let the child know that you are interested and involved and that you will help when needed.
- Turn off the television or put the newspaper down when your child wants to converse.
- Avoid taking a telephone call when the child has something important to tell you.
- Unless other people are specifically meant to be included, hold conversations in privacy. The best communication between you and the child will occur when others are not around.
- Embarrassing the child or putting him on the spot in front of others will lead only to resentment and hostility, not good communication.
- Don’t tower over your child. Physically get down to the child’s level then talk.
- If you are very angry about a behavior or an incident, don’t attempt communication until you regain your cool, because you cannot be objective until then. It is better to stop, settle down, and talk to the child later.
- If you are very tired, you will have to make an extra effort to be an active listener. Genuine active listening is hard work and is very difficult when your mind and body are already tired.
- Listen carefully and politely. Don’t interrupt the child when he is trying to tell his story. Be as courteous to your child as you would be to your best friend.
- Don’t be a wipe-out artist, unraveling minor threads of a story and never allowing the child’s own theme to develop. This is the parent who reacts to the incidentals of a message while the main idea is list: i.e., the child starts to tell about what happened and the parent says, "I don’t care what they are doing, but you had better not be involved in anything like that."
- Don’t ask why, but do ask what happened.
- If you have knowledge of the situation, confront the child with the information that you know or have been told.
- Keep adult talking ("You’ll talk when I’m finished." "I know what’s best for you." "Just do what I say and that will solve the problem"), preaching and moralizing to a minimum because they are not helpful in getting communication open and keeping it open.
- Don’t use put-down words or statements: dumb, stupid, lazy: "Stupid, that makes no sense at all" or "What do you know, you’re just a child."
- Assist the child in planning some specific steps to the solution.
- Show that you accept the child himself, regardless of what he has or has not done.
- Reinforce the child for keeping communication open. Do this by accepting him and praising his efforts to communicate.
Not all Communication is Verbal
There are some tricks to effective communication. One is to remember that what you pay attention to is usually what you’ll get more of. Remember to encourage as much as possible. Encouragement is a powerful tool because you don’t have to wait for a project to be finished, you can encourage any effort toward a goal which typically motivates a child to continue doing well. Some communication is physical and there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to communicate physically. Developmentally, kids go through phases where they welcome physical affection and then are adamant that their parents don’t touch them (especially in front of their friends). Below are common words of encouragement some non-threatening types of physical communication that can also be encouraging:
Yes! Good! Fine! Very good! Very fine! Excellent! Marvelous! Right! That’s right. Correct. Wonderful. I like the way you do that. I’m pleased with (proud of) you. You must be proud of yourself. That’s good. Wow! Oh boy! Very nice! Good work! Great going! Good for you! That’s the way! Much better! O.K. You’re doing better. That’s perfect! Good idea! What a clever idea! That’s it. Good job. Great job controlling yourself. I like the way you ______. I noticed that you ____ . Keep it up! I had fun ______ with you. You are improving at ______ more and more. You showed a lot of responsibility when you ______. Way to go! I appreciate the way you ______. You are great at that. You're the best. Good remembering! That’s beautiful! I like your______. I like the way you ______ with out having to be asked/ reminded. I’m sure glad you are my son/daughter. Now you’ve got it! I love you. Smile and nod. Gentle pat on the shoulder, head, knee. Wink. Signal or gesture to signify approval. High five. Touch cheek. Gentle tickle. Laugh (with, not at). Pat on the back. Hug.
Video
Cache, a 2-year-old black Labrador working in Will County, is the only high-tech police dog in the Chicago area. (WLS)